i made a snowman earlier.

( here are some more pictures. )

also i have a stomach ache, and will be seeing my anthony in 5 days.

that is all.

Just wrapped up our experiment for the evening. Only 2 participants. Great. Any Hanover kids, if you're free tomorrow around 6:30? Come to the Science Center. I need you.

Um. That aside. Eurasia midterm tomorrow. I have til Thursday to do my monologue, because Jon Smith can be saintly when he so chooses. I need to go home, clean, unpack, get ready for Loucon, and get my shit together for school. I need to get myself together and get organized and motivated again.

That said, the boy's not going to be around for a few hours, so fuck this shit, I'm going to Wiley. Provided there's someone there to let me in.

Today = epic fail. I'm leaving it at that.

(PA interview went well, at least.)

In other news, I downloaded Nine Inch Nails' Ghosts, I-IV and it is amazing. (Check it out for yourself at ghosts.nin.com).

I also downloaded 4 cds worth of stuff from a Twilight fanmix--mostly instrumental, classical, actually stuff intended to be a score rather than a soundtrack. Also lovely.

This is the stuff that makes me wish for an ipod.

I'm running low on meals this semester. This is unfortunate. I'm only going to use one a day from now until Anthony's here. Then I can deal with whatever I have left. Meh.

I need to memorize a monologue that refuses to stick in an hour and a half. Good times.

So I am back in Kentucky. I'm heading to Hanover bright and early in the morning.

Honestly, I had an amazing time in Florida. Anthony was wonderful, he spoiled me and took very, very good care of me. More importantly, we talked and worked through the things that have been giving us problems. We acknowledge that conflict is a part of interaction, but that conflict can be dealt with a lot better than it has been, and that, when we're patient and remember common sense, we can get through things a lot better and come out stronger and happier.

I got along well with the guys Anthony lives with, and Bryan and his girlfriend, Ashley, were particularly sweet. I cooked for Anthony a lot, and they amused me with their reactions to that. I was so comfortable and so happy there.

And I see my boy again in two weeks! Yay. And something like a month afterward. And then in June. So yay. Life is good.

There's more I'm going to update eventually, but I need to change over laundry, pack, and shower.

hello all. killing time in uwf's library. through being an lj stalker, i came across this fun quiz.

you are violet #EE82EE

Your dominant hues are red and blue. You're confident and like showing people new ideas. You play well with others and can be very influential if you want to be. Your saturation level is lower than average - You don't stress out over many things and don't understand people who do. Finishing projects may sometimes be a challenge, but you schedule time as you see fit and the important things all happen in the end, even if not everyone sees your grand master plan. Your outlook on life is bright. You see good things in situations where others may not be able to, and it frustrates you to see them get down on everything.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

fairly accurate, i think.

anyway. anthony ought to be about done with his exam, so i'm going to wander back outside. it is far too lovely out to be stuck in here.

hope you're all doing well.

i do not want to leave tomorrow.

i survived today.

wish me luck tomorrow in my midterms.

after that, all will be well, and i will be very close to being with my anthony.

but now, it is bedtime.

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

yesterday, after around 4:00 or so, was one clusterfuck after another. and didn't stop until 12 hours later.

today's...not as bad. but i can't say it's better, because too much is still wrong. but it's definitely not as bad. that's something, i guess

in 26ish hours, i will not be here anymore. i will be on my way home. that is good. 57 hours from now (yes i just counted) i will be with my anthony. hopefully everything is better then. i know i'll be happy, for whatever that's worth.

i've just...got so much to get through and such little strength and i don't know how to fix some of what's wrong right now.

some positive things:
-our experiment will be more organized tonight. i've made sure of it.
-there's a group study session in the library tonight for eurasia. so if i do that for an hour or so, i can then go home and study for research. if i'm in the costume shop today in the theatre, i'll try to study for research some then, too.
-free cookies and brownies and cocoa in the library tonight!
-i talked to miriam a bit a while ago and hugged the stuffed penguin and that made me feel better.
-i'm happy with the direction i'm heading academically, if i can just get my motivation back. my grades are a smidge lower than i expected them to be--b+s instead of a's--which sounds like a minor detail, but i really need to do better this term. just to prove to myself i'm not falling apart.
-i really do have a broad range of support, and it's something i've really taken for granted. i have so many wonderful people in my life.

last night i hung out with kate while i ate supper at 9:30. i came home and watched a movie while working on homework with chastity and amy. i can't believe it's taken us this long to do something like that. they're really nice and a lot of fun to be around.

ben's always around when i need him, as is molly. janna is always great when i need her, and a lot of fun. i even have so many professors--nick baechle, miriam pittinger, rob in the theatre, the psych faculty--that i can talk to at any point, that know me and that ask me things like how my mom's doing with her MS, how's anthony, when do i get to see the boy again, etc.

i have an amazing boyfriend, even when there's conflict and stress and irrationality in both of us. in the end, we still love each other and we're still willing to make us work, even when it's hard. the end result will be worth it.

i feel sufficiently uplifted, i suppose. half an hour and i get to leave work. this is just going to be such a long, stressful day. pray for me, if you would. i can do it, but help and good wishes are always appreciated.

good morning all.

my ducks project was in the "gathering tons of images" stage last night. it was a lot of fun to find all of the images. i think i'm going to ask kate (shh, she doesn't know it yet) to make the actual layout, if she can.

it came to my realization last night that i can't have a custom mood theme, as i have a free journal. this has crushed me. i think i shall make it anyway, though, in the hopes that i eventually have more than a starving college kid's budget and could maybe have a paid journal.

speaking of starving, the sore in my mouth is fading, which is good. i can speak normally this morning and it hurts much less. we'll see how eating goes.

other than that, hell of busy two days.

wednesday:
9-1 class
3-4 work
4-6 work in the theatre
6:30-7:30 research project
this evening, i need to watch merchant of venice and write a paper on it. and study for midterms.

thursday:
9-11 class
11-1230 work
1-3 class
3-6 theatre
630-730 research project
studying for midterms, packing for florida/to go home

whee. exciting. at least i'm feeling better.

hopefully ducky icons will be appearing soon.

meh. working, and going to childhood today. no shakespeare. i'm not feeling up to that just yet.

a lot needs to get done this week, and it's not going to happen with me feeling this shitty. i need to get better. i need to be able to eat, because my blood sugar staying low isn't helping me get better or feel better. the able-to-eat is getting a bit better, but i still can't eat enough of anything to actually get full. grumble.

also i really want to write and it's just not happening this past weekend. i think today will be different, though.

on the plus side--4 nights until i'm with my anthony. ...here's hoping i'm not still sick then. i'd hate to make my love sick.

also, molly was home this weekend! yay! i spent all day saturday with my molly, shopping, playing games on her new wii (I WANT ONE), and eating quesadillas. she gave me a rubber ducky dressed like uncle sam that will soon be appearing in my lj icons. (I have this lovely idea of a 'listen to the ducks,' duck-themed, maybe rubber ducks, lj that I really ought to work on. I can come up with the icons and pictures for the mood theme, but if someone could help with the rest--a layout, and actually making the mood theme from the pictures i come up with, i'd appreciate it.)

i am sick.

i spent the weekend at home and had a long council meeting at church last night, and no one wanted to take me back to hanover last night. so i stayed at home. i felt really shitty most of the night last night. this morning on the way up here i had to have mom pull the car over so i could vomit on the side of the road. i felt better a while after that, but now i'm feeling crappy again.

i missed my classes this morning, and i told rob i'm too sick to come work in the theatre this afternoon. so i guess i'm just going to rest and hope i get better.

also, trying to figure out housing for next year is a PAIN. there are not 6 girls who will be left on this campus next fall that i can stand to live with. platonic co-ed housing? if only.

it's been requested that i update more.

i would, if i had anything to update about.

just more of the same.

good night, moon.

woo.

i'm working on a short fic about shaylee regarding http://lipglossanblack.livejournal.com/13462.html that entry.

i also started getting attacked by plot bunnies in my classes yesterday morning and as such have outline what is going to wind up being another book-length story. i am excited.

developments will likely be posted on screamthesky as they occur.

Weirdest weather change ever.

Last night the weather was kinda crazy, storms, wind, tornado watches and whatnot. But today wins.

It was warm enough this morning that i wore capris and flip flops to class. It was raining a little, but not bad. Not raining at all between classes. Spitting a bit at 12:40, as I walked to the UG.

12:55, walk outside to walk home. It's raining. I go to open my umbrella, the wind says no. I say yes, and it's a struggle. The wind was pulling it nearly out of my hand, and pulling me left to right with it. I was walking with Ben, and even he couldn't hold onto the umbrella in the wind. So we give up on the umbrella.

The rain is ice cold and feels like needles. Then the wind. It's swirling all around, coming in gusts from seemingly every direction. It felt like walking through a water spout. The wind was yanking on my hair, my clothes, lifted my backpack, pushed and pulled on me until I couldn't walk straight and kept being knocked into Ben or pushed off the sidewalk. Utterly drenched through.

I got in a few minutes ago. My hair and every article of clothing I had on is drenched. I could wring water out of it all. I'm in warm dry clothes now and not so much looking like a drowned rat, but damn. Insane.

Sooo not looking forward to walking back to the Science Center in that.

so i'm kind of feeling really shitty.

i'm at work with a splitting headache that 4 ibuprofen haven't touched. i've been awake since 8:30 yesterday morning. i'm utterly exhausted, and on the edge of falling apart and crying and just...i don't know.

i want my anthony. just hearing that he loves me and wants me, too, would make it all better right now.

yay! finally updated over at screamthesky. go check it out for some sin/pacie fluff.

http://screamthesky.livejournal.com/11390.html

so today's gone mostly well. the afternoon, anyway. i picked up my merit scholar and her mother, and they're both very sweet. leah is my scholar, and she and i get along very well. she's into theatre, and we spent a lot of tonight talking about that. after supper and the reception and her mom leaving for the night, we came back to ogle to play apples and apples with janna and aislinn. after a while we ventured through the cold to wiley to play some axis and allies with the wiley kids--dan and mike, specifically. there was also hanging out with kate and celiedh and andrea. we missed you, ben. you would've liked leah.

now, i've finally had to force myself to shut up so leah can get some sleep before tomorrow, which is the big deal part--her interview and competition, and, a little later, her theatre scholarship audition. it's nice to click so well with someone, especially after how awkward it was last year with my merit scholar. the girl last year wasn't rude or anything, and i was excited to see her as a freshman here this year, but we just...didn't have much to say to each other.


ben-- i wanted to sort of ponder and think through and respond to some of what you just posted. i hope you don't mind that i do it here? if so, let me know, and i'll change it.

but i understand a lot of where you're coming from with what you've posted. the 'protect them' tendency, and feeling like they're vulnerable when you're away. that's why i get so frustrated when distance factors into any of my relationships.

i value both sides to your personality--the light and the dark. and while i appreciate the light hugely--trust me, the frigid treks across campus just for hugs don't go unappreciated--i'd like to see you acknowledge the dark a bit more than you do, at least outwardly. a healthy balance of both isn't a bad thing. that's the conclusion i've come to, at least, when it comes to my own envisioning of that part of me--which sounds quite similar to yours.

there was more too this in my head while i was reading through my f-list, but for now, i'm really sleepy. i think i'm going to rest until anthony calls me tonight.

take care, you all. know you're loved.

you may be right, in some ways. i don't know you very well. but i do love you, and my lack of knowing you isn't for lack of love or caring. i want to get to know you better, and daily i'll work toward it.

since i was 12, i've been fascinated by you, wanting to get to know you, wanting you to know me. i dreamt then that i'd get to spend my life growing closer to you and getting to know more and more about you. i've been blessed to be able to do that thus far, and i hope for many, many more years of it.

never doubt that you are my only. nothing, not loneliness, not frustration, nothing could change that. nothing could make me want anyone else. when i told you i was yours, and yours forever, i meant it. to further explain, i am yours only, always, forever and ever, no matter what.

i know things are hard, and harder when we're apart. but it's undoubtedly worth it. it's not long from now that we won't have to worry about this distance anymore, that we'll hold one another close and look back and remember how much closer it brought us and how much stronger it made us. how it made us treasure one another even more than we might have otherwise. and, while we'll always hate the miles and hours in between us, we can at least see their value in helping us become stronger together.

i love you, my amante, and i always will.